I heard a little analogy today and at first I thought it was a little bit too “hippy” shall we say, until I got to the bones of it and I found myself nodding along and it got me thinking. I’ll tell you the story first and then get into why I think it’s an important lesson that we all try to learn.
“If you’re carrying a cup of coffee and someone bumps into you, why did you spill the coffee?
Most of us would answer, because someone bumped into me.
But it’s not correct, the reason why you spilled the coffee is because that’s what you were carrying in your cup. If you were carrying water, you would have spilled water. If you were carrying tea, you would have spilled tea. The bump merely caused whatever was inside to spill out.
Whenever life bumps you, and it will, whatever is inside is going to spill out. If your cup is full of anxiety or resentment, that’s what hits the floor. But if you’ve been filling it with compassion and peace? That’s what overflows. The bump doesn’t choose the liquid; the cup does.
I know life isn’t as simple as comparing it to a cup of coffee, but the sentiment behind it is 100% right.
If you take a moment to sit just now and think about how you are feeling, are you anxious, worried about work or family, are you frightened and constantly on edge? These things, these emotions, have a huge impact on how we respond to day to day challenges and that can be as simple as a slightly snarky email from a co-worker, kids misbehaving, someone cutting in front of you in a queue. It could be absolutely anything and when it happens, we almost erupt and respond in a more negative way that probably makes us feel guilty later on when we think more on it.
But if we try to consciously think more positively, to be more optimistic, compassionate, to quieten our minds and try to bring peace into our lives instead of chaos, this can be what spills out from our cup when we are inevitably bumped.
Perhaps the snarky email was because that person has had a really bad day, their email to you is their cup spilling negativity. This doesn’t mean that you need to respond in the same way. The kids could be misbehaving because they’re bored or seeking your attention (although sometimes kids just misbehave, we’ve all done it!), your reaction to them will shape your future interactions. Snap at them and you’ll plant the seed of fear and worry. Finding things to keep them engaged makes them feel cared for and safe. That person that skipped the queue, maybe they were a million miles away in their heads and just didn’t realise.
| The “Bump” | The Negative Spill | The Conscious Refill |
| Snarky Work Email | A biting reply (Defensiveness) | “They must be having a rough day.” (Empathy) |
| Kids Misbehaving | Snapping/Shouting (Stress) | “They need my attention.” (Patience) |
| Queue Jumper | Stewing in anger (Indignation) | “Maybe they’re just distracted.” (Letting go) |
Of course, it might also be that some people are just mean and that’s how they act. But this doesn’t need to affect you in the way that sparks negative emotions from you. Shake it off.
We all have our ways of coping when life gets messy. For years, I leaned on a classic line from The Hangover to keep perspective:
‘But did you die?’ (IYKYK. Thanks, Mr. Chow.)
It’s a funny, blunt reality check. Most of the things we stress about aren’t life-or-death, yet we treat them like they are. But if we want to go deeper than just surviving the day, we have to look at how we react. That’s where my favourite Stoic, Marcus Aurelius, comes in:
‘You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realise this and you will find strength.’
The ‘bump’ is the outside event. The ‘spill’ is your mind. Once you realise your anger doesn’t actually change the person who cut you off in traffic for instance, it only sours your own afternoon, you find the freedom to stop letting the small stuff ruin your big picture.
But let’s be real for a second. How do we actually fill our cups when they feel bone dry? I asked myself this in the shower earlier today, honestly just wanting to cry. It’s one thing to say ‘be happy,’ but it’s another thing entirely to do it when you’re overwhelmed.
Let’s say you are worried about something, so worried that knot in your chest feels like it might overwhelm you. Slapping a smile on your face and being cheery isn’t always achievable, but recognising that the worry is there and that it’s ok to feel that way, natural in most cases, but you know that this isn’t how you want to move forward with your day, it’s at this point we need to just stop for a moment.
The “30-Second Reset”
Close your eyes and take a big deep breath, exhale it slowly. Do this a few times. Just give yourself a little break from the chaos that might be in your mind just now.
The “Problem-Solver”
Ask: “Can I fix this right now?” If yes, do one small thing. If no, find a sounding board, a friend, colleague, partner, or even a Reddit forum (it’s saved me more than once when I’ve had techie issues!). A problem shared is a problem halved.
The “Vibe-Shift”
Get your coat and shoes on and go outside for a walk for ten minutes. Or, if you’re like me, go for a run to focus and create an action plan.
Weather atrocious? Get your favourite upbeat song on and just dance. I normally do this with headphones in, but if the kids are around, pop it on the speakers and get everyone involved. Stay away from the melancholy, no weepy songs or painful memories. Only happy, uplifting tracks that remind you of a time you felt awesome.
Too many of us hold on to so much negativity, hold grudges, see slights were there usually aren’t any. It is so very tiring. It drains you, both mentally and physically. It takes up mental space and just breeds more harmful thoughts that keeps you in a perpetual state of tension and fight mode.
Choosing to live in the past, reliving every argument, going through every interaction with a fine tooth comb can consume us.
You deserve better. So, today, just for a few minutes, try to pour out a little of that tension and fill it with something lighter.
What do you want your cup to be full of?
(And remember… don’t say wine!)
